


Chaotic Ruin

by rhith



Category: H.O.T. (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:35:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22268782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhith/pseuds/rhith
Summary: Sequel toIndemnity
Relationships: Ahn Chilhyun | Kangta/Moon Heejoon, An Seungho | Tony/Jang Woohyuk, Moon Heejoon/Lee Jaewon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Jaewon sat in his hotel room, that he had been living in for the past few months. He had to escape his feelings.

The first week being away was hard. Constant crying, harming himself, and the memory. Memory of the night he had with Hee Jun. Nothing came from the pain he inflicted upon himself. It just hurt for a moment and turn into a bruise. He only did it to stop crying, which it didn't work since it caused him to cry even more.

Weeks went on, more bruises appeared on his body. He was going downhill, he couldn't forget Hee Jun. His gentle touch, the smell of alcohol on his breath as they kissed. Jaewon would lay on the bed and feel Hee Jun's touch, which aroused him. When he became aroused the first time he didn't know what to do, it was totally wrong to him. That was when he started scratching the skin off his body. Only a thin layer of skin worked, for when air hit the wound it would sting. On his wrist and chest he scratched away, yelling at himself.

He thought it was evil to fall in love with another man. And wrong to love someone who was with someone else, even if that someone else was a whore. He never left the hotel room, he barely got out to get a snack or water. He was wasting away himself, losing weight and becoming weak. He was merely punishing himself.

He fell back onto his bed letting out a long sigh, he was deciding if he would go back home or not. Back to where Hee Jun could find him. Where Kangta, Tony and Woo Hyuk were. Did they even notice he was gone for about two months? He didn't think so, they never cared about him.

\-----

"Good morning." Kangta sat in a chair next to Hee Jun, who at at the dining table.

Hee Jun smiled at him, "Morning."

Kangta looked at the table seeing Hee Jun was reading the newspaper. There was also a document under Hee Jun's hand, "What are you doing?" He made Hee Jun move his hands, he stared at the document. Missing persons form, he sighed, "Hee Jun...I thought we talked about this. He'll come home."

Hee Jun snatched it back, "It's been two months, Kangta. He doesn't just disappear for two whole months."

"Why are you so worried about him?" Kangta frowned, he didn't know about the night Hee Jun had with Jaewon before.

Hee Jun looked at the form, "Can't I worry about a friend?"

"You can...but you never worried about Jaewon before." He crossed his arms. Hee Jun stood up, Kangta looked up at him, "Where are you going?"

"For a walk..." He kissed Kangta lightly, "Maybe if I walk off the problem I won't worry anymore."

Kangta nodded, "Alright." He watched Hee Jun leave the house.

Hee Jun zipped up his jacket and walked down the street. The night he forgave Kangta, he had visited Jaewon's place. The door was wide open, Hee Jun became worried and explored the apartment. It was a mess. Lamps were broken. Pictures that were hanging on the walls were on the floor, the frames cracked. He had a vase with flowers that was a gift from someone. On the floor broken, water puddle with it. The flowers were torn apart, petals everywhere.

His bedroom was even worse. Blankets torn off the bed, holes in them, some ripped and others burned. A mirror cracked. Dresser drawers on the ground, clothes everywhere. Holes in the wall, the size of a fist. Hee Jun became scared, either Jaewon was kidnapped. Or Jaewon had done the damage of his place himself. Hee Jun knew Jaewon had to have done it, since he saw a broken lamp before when Kangta had went to him.

Every since then, Hee Jun would go to Jaewon's place looking for him. Two months straight, he didn't know what to do. A piece of paper saying Jaewon was missing, wouldn't do much. Everyone around him told him that Jaewon would come back. They compared him to a dog, always finding his way home.

Hee Jun sat down on a park bench, letting out a sad sigh. He hadn't felt so upset before, even when he caught Kangta. What he felt was worse, it was his fault Jaewon was gone. Not only that but he felt something for Jaewon...something he hadn't felt for anyone before. Love? If it was then what did he feel around Kangta?

\-----

Jaewon packed his suitcase, he had to go back home and face the music. Hee Jun was with Kangta, he would never have him. No one cares about him and hiding out wasn't doing any good. Punishing himself did no good, but he would continue to. Only way to forget what he had become.

He left the hotel room, paid the person at the front desk for the day. He had already paid a hefty fund for the other nights. He got onto a bus and made his way back home. He was starving, his wrist, chest and sides burned with pain. He wore a long sleeve shirt to hide his wounds, no one would know.

He set his head against the window and closed his eyes. His head was pounding, from lack of sleep, food and constant crying. Slowly he dozed off, knowing by the time he would wake up he'd be home. A place he feared to go.  
\--  
Slowly walking up the stairs to his apartment, Jaewon became dizzy. Not because he was weak but of the fear he had inside. Once he gets home someone will find him, and tell Hee Jun. Once Hee Jun hears he would come see Jaewon. Something he didn't want. It would tear Jaewon apart to see the person that drove him to disappear for two months.

He stood in front of his door, someone must have been there since the door was closed and locked. Jaewon remembered grabbing his stuff and running out. Not caring if people helped themselves to his stuff, which were half broken from his little rampage.

Slowly inserted the key and unlocked the door. He closed his eyes to make the room stop spinning. All he wanted to do was go to bed, then eat after a nice long nap. He opened the door, dropping the small briefcase from his hand, "Hee Jun?" He said with a great amount of shock in his voice.

There Hee Jun sat in a chair that resided in the living room. His arms crossed as if he was expecting Jaewon. He had a look of surprised though, "Jaewon...you're back."

His worst nightmare sat in his living room. Knowing if Hee Jun found out what damage he had done to himself, he'd be sent to a doctor. Jaewon had to get rid of him, if not then he'd get rid of himself. He watched Hee Jun stood up and walked towards him slowly. He had to run away, yet his legs refused to move. His heart started racing, the room started spinning again. His mind screamed at him to get rid of Hee Jun.

"Jaewon, are you alright?" Hee Jun was now in front of Jaewon, he tilted his head to the side concerned.

Alright was something Jaewon wasn't. His legs finally gave out, as he fell to the ground everything continued to spin and go black. All he could hear was Hee Jun's voice, yelling at him. asking if he was okay.

He wasn't okay. He never would be...everything would get worse.


	2. Chapter 2

_Jaewon…_

A voice spoke to him. He was floating on nothing in the dark. His mind was somewhere else, and nothing was soothing to him. He had forgotten why he fainted.

_Jaewon...wake up…_

He didn't want to wake up. He was safe, from himself and others.

_Jaewon…_

He felt a warm hand touch his face, which ran down to his chest. It sent pain surging through his body. Whoever touched him was touching the wounds he gave himself.

_Hey...wake up…_

He slowly opened his eyes, all he saw was his ceiling. He closed them again, slowly putting a hand on his head. His head felt like someone was driving a nail into it. He sat up and opened his eyes again. From the corner of his eye he saw Hee Jun, who had a worried look on his face. Jaewon slowly turned his head to him and just stared at him.

Hee Jun gave him a small smile, "Hey...are you alright?"

Get out. He wanted to scream at him. The words didn't leave his mouth, they couldn't. Slowly he remembered what had happened, he fainted at Hee Jun's feet. Why was Hee Jun in his apartment in the first place? He wanted to ask but he was scared to know the answer. He looked away, "Yea..."

Hee Jun frowned, "You sure? I mean you don't look so well..."

Jaewon was pale, thin, eyes red from lack of sleep and the tears he had shed. Lips red from when he bit them or chewed on them, causing pain. Jaewon glanced at him, "I'm fine..."

Hee Jun reached out to touch Jaewon's face, but he batted the hand away. Hee Jun was shocked by the man's reaction. Jaewon looked at him angrily, "Don't touch me..." It hurt him to say it to Hee Jun, the one he loved, but he had to protect himself, "Please leave..."

Hee Jun became sad, "W-what?"

"Please leave..." Jaewon turned his head so he couldn't see him, "I want to be alone..." He couldn't say what he wanted to say, he rather not see Hee Jun...ever again. He wanted to tell him to go away forever, but he couldn't....love had stopped him.

Hee Jun stood up, knowing he should listen to what Jaewon said, "Alright, I'll leave. Later you'll have to tell me where you have been these past two months, okay?"

Hee Jun waited for a response but didn't get one. He sighed, "I'll see you later, Jaewon. Rest up." He left Jaewon's apartment.

Jaewon laid back down, feeling tears come to his eyes, he didn't want Hee Jun to leave. He also didn't want to tell Hee Jun where he had been, and what he did. Then again he needed Hee Jun to leave, in case he accidentally found the wounds on his body. In case Hee Jun would become angry and concerned. Jaewon didn't want to be sent to a doctor, it wouldn't do any good.

\-----

Leaving Jaewon's apartment Hee Jun became worried. He came back, which was a relief to Hee Jun. Then Jaewon fainting at his feet, he was worried. What exactly did Jaewon do in the two month he went missing? From evidence of being pale, skinnier than before, eyes red and lips slightly swollen...it made sense. He starved himself and cried the whole time. He didn't know what was behind the clothes that covered Jaewon's body. The soft body Hee Jun craved.

Hee Jun went into his house to find Woo Hyuk, Tony and Kangta sitting in the living room. They all stared at him, "Hey guys."

Kangta watched Hee Jun walk over and sit himself on the couch next to him, "Where have you been? It's been an hour since you left for a walk..."

Hee Jun looked at Kangta, placing his hand on the man's thigh, "Sorry. I visited Jaewon's place..."

"Jaewon's...why would you go there?" Kangta crossed his arms.

"I thought maybe he had came back...and he did." Hee Jun removed his hand from Kangta's thigh.

"He came back? Did he tell you where he went?" Tony leaned forward in his seat, curious.

Hee Jun shook his head, "He didn't...he fainted. Which is why I was there for an hour, I had to make sure he was alright."

"Why did he faint?" Kangta leaned back against the couch.

He shrugged, "I'm not sure...when he woke up he told me to leave. He wanted time alone."

"Time alone? Two months wasn't enough time?" Woo Hyuk shook his head in disgust.

Hee Jun ignored Woo Hyuk's comment, "He didn't look too well. Very pale, skinny, his eyes were red...he looked like crap."

Tony nodded, "Well..." He looked at Kangta, knowing he had no clue about Jaewon's love for Hee Jun, "He must be having a rough time..."

"Why?" Kangta plainly asked.

"Well we all had a hard time when Hee Jun was depressed. And you know Jaewon...he's always having a bad time." Tony rubbed the back of his neck, he wasn't sure if Kangta would buy it.

"Oh." Kangta was no longer interested in the conversation.

Hee Jun grabbed Kangta's hand, "I'm sorry for not calling you, or telling you where I was."

Kangta smiled, "It's fine."

\-----

Jaewon stood in his living room, looking at the mess it was in. He didn't want to clean it up, but it had to be done if he wanted to live there. Otherwise he would find himself stepping on glass shards all the time. Which would be alright but he rather not have that. He made his way to the kitchen as his stomach started growling. Opening the fridge he found everything wasn't touched for the past two months. He sighed and grabbed some leftovers, and heated them up. He had to eat something, two months old or not.

He watched his food spin in the microwave as the phone went off. He looked at the phone that was on the counter, he debated if he should pick it up or not. It kept ringing. If he didn't answer and it was Hee Jun, then he would come over. If he did pick it up he could tell whoever it was to leave him alone. He let out a sigh before answering it, "Hello?"

"Hey Jaewon."

"Oh hey, Tony." He leaned against the counter.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine..." He looked down at his kitchen floor.

"Fine? From what Hee Jun explained you weren't. Where have you been for the last two months?"

"I took a vacation." He wrapped his finger in the phone cord.

"Vacation without telling anyone? Yea right...you left because of Hee Jun right?"

"Does it matter?" He pushed himself off the counter when he heard the microwave ding.

"Don't give me that. You know how worried Hee Jun was? He was going to file a missing persons report because of you."

"Well he didn't...and besides it's not your business what I did when I was gone." He uncoiled his finger from the phone cord.

"What? I didn't ask what you did when you were gone...I asked where you were."

"Still not your business. Leave me alone!" He hung up.

He opened the microwave, and smelled the awful stench his food gave off. He growled a little and took it out. He ate in his living room, the taste was worse than the smell. He forced himself to eat the rest and set the plate on the coffee table. He leaned back against his couch, he had a feeling either Hee Jun or Tony would come to visit him. Woo Hyuk would come with Tony and Kangta didn't care much for Jaewon anyways.

A wave of depression hit him. He bit his sore lips to prevent himself from crying. He let out a gasp of air, as if he had been holding his breath. He put his hands over his ears and pushed against his skull, "Don't cry, Jaewon. It won't help..."

A tear ran down his cheek, "Hee Jun..."

\-----

Kangta kissed Hee Jun, they were on the bed, Tony and Woo Hyuk had left. Kangta said he'd forgive Hee Jun for disappearing without a phone call if they did it. Hee Jun would do anything for his love, if that was what he felt for the man anymore.

Hee Jun took off Kangta's clothes slowly, he wasn't admiring the man's body. He was in deep thought. The man's body no longer aroused Hee Jun as it should of, because his body had something else before...something better. All Hee Jun thought about was Jaewon and the state he was in. He was really curious about where Jaewon had went. As he thought he removed his own clothes, Kangta waited.

He held the back of Kangta's knee lifting them a little, getting into position. He wasn’t erect at all like Kangta was. He frowned down at himself, he let go of Kangta. Kangta sat up, "What's wrong."

Hee Jun shrugged, "I'm not sure...I mean I love you but..." He put his hand on the back of Kangta's neck pulling him into a kiss. Which didn't allow Kangta to speak. Hee Jun thought of the sweet taste of Jaewon's lips and how soft they were. Which made him grow hard.

He felt dirty, having to think of another man to make himself erect because the one he was with didn't. He pushed Kangta onto the bed and positioned himself. He slowly entered him, he was disappointed when he did. Damaged goods was what Kangta was. He pulled out slowly then thrust into Kangta harder. Kangta let out a moan.

Full of disappointment. Hee Jun craved something more than Kangta. The tightness and moans of Jaewon. How he loved an untrained body, he never experienced it before he did it with Jaewon. Kangta never felt like Jaewon did, he must have been with other men before. He closed his eyes as he thrust harder and faster into Kangta.

Kangta gripped Hee Jun's shoulders, he enjoyed the way Hee Jun rocked his body. He had no clue that Hee Jun was merely imagining thrusting into Jaewon than him. Such passion Hee Jun had as he did it, Kangta felt loved.

\-----

Jaewon sat on the toilet with no intentions to use it as he waited for the shower to warm up. The cold tiles of the floor that were against the bottom of his feet felt good. After a few minutes of dozing off, he stood up and got undressed. He sat down in the shower, feeling too weak to stand, he had his knees to his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs, and set his forehead against his knees. He let out a heavy sigh.

The hot water hitting his head and back soothed him. He closed his eyes. The thought of Hee Jun came to mind, which made him upset. He kept his eyes closed as he moved his head to have the water hit it. It was hard to forget Hee Jun, he never had that problem before. He was able to forget, or shove his feelings aside. Ever since that night he spent with a drunk Hee Jun, he couldn't forget him.

The thought of Hee Jun with Kangta was upsetting. There was no way Hee Jun felt the same way for him. Hee Jun only had Kangta in mind, which was what Jaewon thought. The night he spent with Hee Jun came to mind again, the kisses he was given from Hee Jun. The feel of Hee Jun inside of him. Jaewon became erect just thinking about it.

He opened his eyes as he looked down at himself, "Crap..."

He ignored the fact he had an erection and stared at the wounds on his chest. He started picking at them, sending pain through his body. He poked one of the bruises on his arm, "Go away..."

He frowned seeing he was still erect, he knew what he had to do. "Damn it all..." He grabbed it and started stroking himself. He closed his eyes and thought of Hee Jun. He found himself as a sad perverted man.

After making a mess in his shower he cleaned off and got out. He dried off, then put clean clothes on. He sighed as he was angry with himself, "So stupid...Hee Jun has Kangta..." He hit his arm on a bruise that was already there, he wanted to make it worse.

Then there was a knock at the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Jaewon opened the door to find Tony and Woo Hyuk standing there. He frowned as they let themselves in, "Why are you here?"

Woo Hyuk sat himself down on the couch and crossed his arms. Tony looked at Jaewon, "Well, we haven't seen you in two months."

"You two never really visit me anyways." Jaewon closed the door, and made his way to a chair.

Tony sat himself down next to Woo Hyuk, "Well, being gone for two months without notice gives us a reason to visit. And besides Hee Jun was worried about you...he'd remind us everyday that you were out somewhere."

Jaewon wanted to be happy hearing Hee Jun was worried, but he couldn't. Hee Jun didn't like him, or so Jaewon thought. Jaewon dug his nails into his palm, "Everyone was busy with Hee Jun and Kangta's problem...why I didn't have a chance to tell anyone."

"Bullshit." Woo Hyuk simply said.

Jaewon looked at him, "Excuse me?"

Tony hit Woo Hyuk in the ribs with his elbow, "Don't listen to him...but he's right. We think you left because of Hee Jun...wait let me rephrase we know you left because of him."

"Does it matter?" Jaewon crossed his arms.

Woo Hyuk stood up, "Fuck Jaewon! Just tell us where you went and what you did for two months!" He couldn't take the delaying any longer. Woo Hyuk wanted answers and he wanted them at that moment.

"I was out of town, living in a hotel. Okay?" Jaewon stood up also, he didn't want Woo Hyuk to feel like the bigger man.

Tony remained on the couch and looked up at them. Woo Hyuk glared at Jaewon, "What did you do in this hotel?"

"I just sat there being upset."

"I know you Jaewon. You didn't just sit there...I mean look at this place." Woo Hyuk looked around at the mess, "You take action when angry or sad. What did you do for the past two months?"

"I told you! I just sat there..." He became nervous.

Woo Hyuk quickly went over to him, grabbed his wrist, "What did you do?!"

Even with a sweater on he still felt pain when Woo Hyuk grabbed his wrist. He flinched then tried pulling away, "Don't touch me!"

"Why not?!" Woo Hyuk pulled back Jaewon's sleeves, revealing bruises and scratches, "I knew it!"

Tony walked up behind Woo Hyuk and saw the damage Jaewon had done to himself, "Jaewon..."

Jaewon kicked Woo Hyuk in the shin, "Don't touch me!" He ran to his bedroom locking the door behind him.

Woo Hyuk kneeled in pain, "Asshole..."

Tony looked down at him, "How'd you know he hurt himself?"

"He never just cries like normal people. It's like he has to feel pain to get over something." He rubbed his leg to make the pain go away.

"What should we do? I doubt he would want to talk with us." Tony helped Woo Hyuk up.

"We tell Hee Jun." Woo Hyuk looked at Tony, "It is his fault as it is Jaewon's."  
\--  
Jaewon hid himself under the sheet on his bed, "They know..."

He wanted to disappear again, but since they knew they'd look for him right away. Fearing he might kill himself or something. Jaewon was no longer safe, he couldn't run or hide anymore. Only time would pass when someone breaks down his bedroom door to get him. He started scratching his wrist just to have small pain go through his body.

He sat up, pulling the sheet off of himself. He stared at the door, "Hee Jun..." He imagined Hee Jun bursting through the door, running to Jaewon. Hugging him, as he cried. How he wanted it to happen...but he knew Hee Jun would yell at him. _Why did you hurt yourself Jaewon? I'm sorry but I'm with Kangta...please don't hurt yourself anymore._ It was stuff he didn't want to hear from Hee Jun.

He started crying without even knowing, "Please come..." He wanted Hee Jun to come, but then again he didn't. He couldn't make up his mind.

\-----

Hee Jun sat in a chair, he was stunned. Tony sighed, "We think you should go over there."

"What good would that do?" Kangta crossed his arms, he didn't understand.

Woo Hyuk gritted his teeth, "Jaewon likes Hee Jun, Kangta. They've even slept together one day."

Tony kicked Woo Hyuk's foot, "Shut up."

"He would find out eventually...better if he hear it now." Woo Hyuk sat down next to Tony.

Kangta stared at Hee Jun, he couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You slept with Jaewon? When was this?"

Hee Jun was going to speak but Woo Hyuk interrupted, "That night we saw you and that guy at the bar, remember? They were both drunk...well Hee Jun was. Then Jaewon took advantage of the situation."

"He didn't do that." Hee Jun stood up, "He isn't like that!"

Kangta was shocked, "Why would you defend him, Hee Jun? Do you like him?"

"I don't Kangta! I love you." Hee Jun grabbed Kangta's arms, "I was drunk...Jaewon fought back. Being as big as I am I won the fight..."

"The other night you weren't aroused by me." Kangta saw Tony and Woo Hyuk leave the room, since that talk they wouldn't want to listen. "Did you have to think of Jaewon? Is Jaewon's body that much better than mine?"

"Kangta..."

"Is it, Hee Jun?" He raised his voice, it sounded as if he was going to cry.

"No."

"Liar! I can't believe that..." Kangta pushed Hee Jun away, "You're practically cheating on me."

"And you haven't cheated on me?" Hee Jun crossed his arms, "It was only one night Kangta. And during that time we weren't together."

Kangta let out a deep sigh, "Fine...but if you plan to go see him. Don't come home for a few days."

"Why?"

"I'll feel better about it...I love you, Hee Jun. If you're going to his place, plan to stay a few days. When you come back I won't ask what you did, alright?"

Hee Jun was amazed at Kangta He gave Hee Jun permission to see Jaewon, alone. Hee Jun hugged him, "I'll come back as soon as Jaewon is better." He pulled back and kissed Kangta's lips.

\-----

Jaewon's hand clung to his stomach, "Crap...I shouldn't have eaten that food."

He slowly got off his bed, still clenching his stomach, he made his way to the bathroom. He fell to his knees and puked in the toilet. The two month old food didn't mix well with an empty stomach and depression. He heard a sound as if someone was trying to get into his bedroom. He closed the bathroom and locked it, he feared someone came to get him. Take him away to some hospital.

He sat on the floor next to the toilet as his stomach churned. The bathroom was filled with the smell of his puke, which made him vomit again. He flushed the toilet and set his forehead against the toilet seat. He let out a pitiful moan as he closed his eyes.

He heard someone trying to get into his bathroom, whoever it was had unlocked the bedroom door. He opened his eyes, "Go...away..."

"Jaewon, open the door please!"

He looked at the door, "Hee Jun?"

"Jaewon, please open the door."

"No..." He started coughing, "Go away..."

"Are you alright Jaewon? You don't sound so well."

"Leave..." He fell back onto the floor. His body was weak, he wanted to die at that moment of weakness.

"Jaewon, I'm not leaving. Lets just say Kangta kicked me out for a few days."

Few days? Alone with Hee Jun? Jaewon smiled to himself weakly, then coughed a little more. He put his hand on his forehead, he started getting dizzy, "Crap..."

He rolled onto his stomach and forced himself up. He sat himself on the toilet and took deep breaths. He rubbed his stomach, he was starving and felt awful. He stared at the ceiling, Hee Jun was outside his bathroom wanting in. Would he let him? Jaewon needed help, he could barely walk let alone stand.

He sat there for a few minutes, Hee Jun stopped talking, which made Jaewon think he left. He stumbled his way to the door, practically falling on it. His hand worked the lock, once it was unlocked he stumbled backwards hitting his back on the sink. He fell onto the ground, he watched the door open slowly. Hee Jun kneeled down, "Jaewon, are you okay?"

Jaewon looked at him, he didn't say anything. Hee Jun frowned, "What is that smell? Did you puke?"

Jaewon nodded as Hee Jun helped him up, "You should take a shower."

Jaewon sat down on the toilet and watched Hee Jun start the shower. He looked at the sick man, "Get undressed."

Jaewon shook his head, he didn't want Hee Jun to see what he had done to himself. Hee Jun frowned, "Come on...Tony told me. So can't hide it now."

He shook his head again. Hee Jun sighed and started undressing the man himself. Jaewon tried to fight him off but was too weak to get anywhere, "D-don't..."

Hee Jun removed the weak man's shirt, seeing bruises and scratches on his chest. He ran his fingers across them, "Why Jaewon?"

"Don't..." Jaewon grabbed Hee Jun's hand, "Please don't..."

Hee Jun frowned and stood Jaewon up, then pulled off his pants. There stood the body Hee Jun craved, even with the wounds it remained beautiful. He helped him into the shower, where Jaewon just sat down. Hee Jun watched Jaewon just sit there not moving, "Jaewon...why did you hurt yourself?"

Jaewon's bottom lip quivered, "Because...I..."

"Because what, Jaewon?" Hee Jun sat on the edge of the bathtub still watching him.

Jaewon started sobbing, he took deep breaths, "I...can't have you."

"What?"

Jaewon looked at him, the hot water hit his face, "I can't have you...because....Kangta..." His voice drifted off as he covered his face with his hands crying.

"Don't cry, Jaewon." Hee Jun rubbed the back of his neck, not sure how to cheer him up, "Look, Kangta sent me away for a few days. He practically gave me permission to do whatever I wanted."

"So?" Jaewon looked at him, "Am I supposed to be happy that I get to borrow you for a day?"

Hee Jun shrugged, "I dunno about you but I'm happy."

"What? Why?"

Hee Jun grinned, "I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I mean....I'm not even satisfied with Kangta." He saw Jaewon surprised expression, "I mean...I keep thinking of you and your...body." He looked away embarrassed.

"Body?" Jaewon looked down at the wounds on his chest and arms, "What is so great about it..."

Hee Jun looked at him, "Well maybe to you it doesn't look all that well but...I admire it."

Jaewon sighed, "Whatever..."

Hee Jun turned off the water, "I'm hungry...I brought some food over. So let's eat."

\-----

"You sent Hee Jun over there?" Woo Hyuk was in disbelief, "You're insane."

"Why?" Kangta sat there picking at his fingernails.

"They might sleep together again...and don't say they won't. I have a sneaky suspicion they will." Woo Hyuk shook his head in disgust like he always did.

"I don't care...it'll be the last time Hee Jun will be alone with Jaewon. I'll make sure I'm around...all the time." Kangta glared at Woo Hyuk.

Woo Hyuk sighed, "If you say so...just hope Hee Jun doesn't fall in love."

"Who would ever fall in love with Jaewon?" Kangta laughed.

\-----

"Are you full?" Hee Jun asked after he swallowed his food.

Jaewon nodded, "Yes...I feel better already."

"Good." Hee Jun set his bowl down and leaned back in his seat.

He looked at Jaewon carefully. He wanted to rip Jaewon's clothes off, and stare at his body. He wanted to feel the softness of it. He wanted to taste Jaewon's lips. He wanted inside him, where it was tight but welcoming. He wanted to drown himself in Jaewon.

Jaewon stood up, "You should get going now..."

Hee Jun shook his head and stood up, "I told you Kangta sent me away."

"Well you can't stay here." Jaewon backed away from him.

"Why not?" Hee Jun slowly walked towards him.

"It won't be a good idea...I mean...." He wanted Hee Jun to stay, he wanted the man for himself. He feared if Hee Jun stay for the night and left he'd be heartbroken. He'd cause more damage to himself.

Hee Jun grabbed his arm and pulled him into a hug, "I'm going to stay, Jaewon. Let's forget about Kangta...or how upset you are...let's forget everything. It's just us."

Jaewon gripped the back of Hee Jun's shirt, "But when you leave..."

"I might not leave...you never know." He rubbed Jaewon's back lightly, "So let's forget everything...and make this the best night ever."

Jaewon's heart started racing. Best night ever? He was confused on what that meant, would it mean they did it? Would Jaewon feel Hee Jun's love for him? Hee Jun said he might not leave...there was a spot of hope for Jaewon.


	4. Chapter 4

"How are you feeling?" Hee Jun asked as he crawled on top of Jaewon.

He was embarrassed, "Somewhat better..."

Hee Jun ran his hand up Jaewon's shirt, "That's good." He slid off his shirt and stared at his wounded chest.

Jaewon put his arms across his chest, "Don't..."

He grinned, "No use hiding now..." He moved Jaewon's hands away, he ran his fingers down his chest to his pants, "Still soft..."

Jaewon felt Hee Jun's finger undo his pants, he put his arm across his eyes. Hee Jun grinned and pulled off his pants. Hee Jun stripped himself from his clothes, and crawled back over to Jaewon. He ran his hands up Jaewon's long slender legs. Feeling Jaewon's soft skin aroused Hee Jun, he licked his lips, he removed the arm that hid the man's eyes, "Don't hide..."

He kissed Jaewon's lips a few times, then smiled at him. His lips then caressed the skin on Jaewon's neck as he sucked lightly. Jaewon's hand grabbed the back of Hee Jun's head, since he was sucking on a bruise. He kissed down his friends chest to his lower stomach, Jaewon let go of Hee Jun hair letting out a faint moan. Hee Jun grinned at Jaewon's erection, he carefully grabbed it. Arching his back Jaewon closed his eyes.

Hee Jun rubbed his thumb against the erection, it was like a bone yet soft at the same time. He faint moans and other noises Jaewon made, drove Hee Jun crazy. He wanted to take him right there but he knew he had to take it slow. He had to give Jaewon complete pleasure, he had to feel love. And Hee Jun wanted to savor the moment as well, for somewhere in the back of his mind...doing this with Jaewon again would probably never happen.

He let go and grabbed the back of Jaewon's thighs. Lifting them a bit as he got into position. Jaewon bit his lip as he felt Hee Jun was at his entrance, his breathing became rapid. Hee Jun rubbed his own hardness against Jaewon's, only to tease. Jaewon let out a loud moan, which made Hee Jun press his lower body against the man below him. Jaewon gripped the pillow under his head, "S-stop."

Hee Jun let out a small laugh and kissed Jaewon, and got back to position. He groaned as he entered Jaewon slowly. So tight Jaewon was, only Hee Jun had been in him before and he didn't remember it being that tight before. It was as if Jaewon's body was swallowing Hee Jun in. He pulled out slowly but not completely, he stared at Jaewon. Who had his eyes closed as he gripped the pillow. Moans and other noises leaving his mouth, Hee Jun loved it all.

Hee Jun was moaning along with the man below him, how it felt inside lit up a fire in him. He had never felt so good before, with Kangta it was good but this with Jaewon was the best. Hee Jun sped up his pace a little, he enjoyed the expression on the man's face. Complete pleasure.

Jaewon moaned and gripped Hee Jun's shoulders. He loved the feeling of Hee Jun inside him but he loved the actually man a lot more. He wanted Hee Jun for himself. From what he felt Hee Jun was showing his love. He tightened the grip on Hee Jun's shoulders, as he went a bit harder.

Hee Jun closed his eyes groaning as he went harder. It felt so good. He looked down seeing Jaewon's untouched erection, he grabbed it. It sent, what felt like electricity to Jaewon, throughout his body. He let go of Hee Jun's shoulders and gripped the blanket below him the best he could.

Hee Jun smiled at the sight he saw, he thrust into him harder. He let go of where Jaewon was hard, and ran his hands down Jaewon's thighs. He gripped his hips and thrust as hard as he could. Jaewon's lower back barely touched the bed, he gripped the pillow his head laid on. Hee Jun went faster trying to get as deep into Jaewon as he could.

The feeling inside. The soft skin he gripped. The screams and moans of complete enjoyment. It all filled Hee Jun's mind, he tried going harder until his hips started to hurt. He didn't want to stop, the moment was perfect. He was panting, sweating and was in pain. He had reached his climax he couldn't go any further, how he wished he could have gone longer. He thrust one last time, and came inside of Jaewon.

The feeling caused Jaewon to bite down on his lip hard and gripped the sheets causing his knuckles to turn white. He let out a loud scream like moan escape as he came over his and Hee Jun's stomach. Breathing hard Hee Jun pulled out, and fell onto the bed next to Jaewon.

Jaewon rolled over and set his head against Hee Jun's chest, he was still breathing hard. Hee Jun wiped some sweat from his forehead, "How do you feel?"

Jaewon closed his eyes, he didn't say anything as he wrapped his arm across Hee Jun's stomach. Hee Jun ran his fingers up and down Jaewon's naked back. His other hand was against his forehead, he closed his eyes letting a tear escape. He loved Jaewon, he wanted to be with him. But there was Kangta, the one he thought he loved, and the one who loves him. He was upset because he knew if he left Jaewon, then he'd only harm himself again. He didn't know what to do, or what was best.

He stroke Jaewon's hair, realizing he had fallen asleep, Hee Jun sat up and put Jaewon's head on the pillow. He found a towel and cleaned Jaewon up before pulling the blanket over his naked body. He smiled at the sight of Jaewon sleeping so peacefully. He only guessed Jaewon didn't have a good night's sleep in months. He made his way to the bathroom, picking up his clothes as he did. He got dressed and looked at himself in the mirror.

_What are you going to do Hee Jun?_

He didn't know. Kangta was awaiting his arrival, trusting he'd come back fixing Jaewon. But Jaewon was who Hee Jun truly loved. He ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a long sad sigh. He walked back to the bedroom, seeing Jaewon was still sleeping. He frowned, "I'm sorry Jaewon..."

He went out to the living room, it was still a wreck. He looked walked over to the coffee table where his wallet and keys were. When he walked over he had kicked something, he looked down seeing a small photo album. He sat on the couch and picked it up. He opened it. Memories of the H.O.T days were before his eyes. He smiled as he looked through the pictures, he was in every single picture. Some had Woo Hyuk, Tony and Kangta...but most of them were him. He stopped at a picture of him and Jaewon. Hee Jun causally had his arm over Jaewon's shoulder, they were smiling happily.

He ran his finger across the picture, "So happy..." He felt tears run down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them, tossing the album onto the coffee table. He grabbed his wallet and keys and made his way to the door. He grabbed the doorknob and looked back, "I'm so sorry Jaewon..."

With that he left.


	5. Chapter 5

Jaewon sat up rubbing his eyes. He looked down at the bed seeing Hee Jun wasn't there. He got out of bed, feeling sore, he found his underwear and pants. He put them on, and made his way down to the living room, "Hee Jun?"

He looked around, "Hee Jun?" He spotted the photo album that was on the coffee table. Then he noticed Hee Jun's stuff was missing. He shook his head in disbelief, "Hee Jun...no..." He sat down on the couch, "He l-left me..."

He tried taking deep breaths but it didn't help since he broke down. He started crying and put his hand against his chest. "He said he'd...no..." He dug his nails into his skin, "Why did he go? Was I not...good enough?" He found it harder to breathe.

\-----

Hee Jun sat in the park, watching children and their parents walk by. He didn't feel like going home, where Kangta would be. He rubbed his hands together as a cold breeze went by. He sighed, as he felt something vibrating in his pocket. He took out his phone and frowned at the name that flashed on the screen. He opened his phone and answered it, "Hello?"

"Hee Jun, did you help Jaewon?"

"I don't think so...why?" He leaned against the park bench he sat on.

"I miss you."

"I've only been gone one night, Kangta." He looked at a couple walking by.

"I know...but knowing you were with Jaewon...I..."

Jaewon, why did he have to mention him? He closed his eyes, "Well...I'll be home in a bit."

"Alright. I'll see you soon. I love you."

Hee Jun hung up without saying goodbye.

\-----

Jaewon laid on his couch staring at the ceiling. In his hands was the photo album, that held memories he treasured most. He had finished crying, tears would no longer come. He wanted to go to the kitchen to grab a knife. Then drive the knife into his skin cutting and stabbing away at himself. An image of Hee Jun in mourning had stopped him. He didn't want to make the person he truly love depressed.

He got off the couch and made his way to his bedroom. He tossed the photo album onto the bed and found a clean shirt, which he put on. He had decided to stop hurting himself all for Hee Jun. Sure, Hee Jun left him and went back to Kangta. Jaewon still thought there was a chance that maybe Hee Jun would come back. And if and when he would Jaewon wanted to be healed of his wounds. Only having scars left on his body.

He sat down on the bed and flipped through the photo album. He smiled at each picture, "You'll come back right?" He stared at his favorite picture of him and Hee Jun.

\-----

"What are those for?" Hee Jun looked at the briefcases on his bed in confusion.

"We're going on a trip." Kangta explained as he put a small cosmetic bag into his briefcase.

"A trip? Where? Why?" He looked at Kangta.

"To the beach." He smiled, "It's been depressing lately so I thought maybe a change of scenery would help the mood."

Hee Jun just nodded. He didn't know what to do, was it right to leave for a few days? Would Jaewon be alright without seeing him? He watched Kangta go into the bathroom. He went out into the living room over to a cabinet he had. He opened it and grabbed a photo album from it. He had many albums but one held the good old days where he didn't struggle with love. Back then Kangta was only a good friend. Jaewon was a quiet yet good guy, that Hee Jun was naturally drawn to. Why he chose Jaewon to be part of the group. Only after H.O.T disbanded did he slowly fall for Kangta.

He quickly put the album away when he heard Kangta coming. "Are you ready?"

Kangta held his briefcase, "Yes I am...let's get going."

Hee Jun handed Kangta his keys, "Go put your stuff away, I'll meet you out there. I have to grab a few things.

Kangta left, once the door was closed Hee Jun got the photo album again. He flipped through it and found the same picture he saw in Jaewon's. He frowned at it, he wanted to see Jaewon smile again. Sure he smiled but it wasn't the same as in the picture. He sighed and picked up his briefcase. He was going on a small trip to the beach, where it would be beautiful. And Hee Jun didn't want to go, he wanted to see Jaewon again even though it was him who left the man behind.

\-----

"Where's Hee Jun?" Jaewon looked at Woo Hyuk, who stood in the doorway.

"Why do you care?" He leaned against the door frame.

"Just tell me where he is. I checked his place and I called him." He didn't like Woo Hyuk's attitude.

"He and Kangta left." Tony pushed Woo Hyuk away, "They went on a small trip to the beach."

"Why are you telling him?" Woo Hyuk growled.

"I am because I'm tired of all of this nonsense." Tony looked at Jaewon, "They went to the beach for a few days. So leave now you'll be there by night, alright?"

Jaewon smiled a little, "Thanks Tony."

"Whatever you plan to do Jaewon...just keep in mind Kangta will be there. I don't want all of you coming back angry at each other."

Jaewon nodded, "Understood. I just have to tell Hee Jun something."

"Well get going." Tony shooed him away.

Jaewon ran off. Tony closed the door and looked at Woo Hyuk, "Why are you angry?"

"Why'd you tell him where Hee Jun was?" He had his arms crossed.

"I've been watching Hee Jun, when Kangta is around. Hee Jun doesn't love him. He loves Jaewon...I mean normally Hee Jun wouldn't defend Jaewon." Tony walked away, "Don't understand why you want Hee Jun and Kangta together so bad..."

Woo Hyuk walked up behind Tony, wrapping his arms around the man's waist, "It's not like that." He sighed, "I'm not sure what it is..."

Tony grinned, "Well everyone is going on a trip. Most likely going to have fun...what about us?"

Woo Hyuk was surprised by the sudden change in Tony's voice, "Are you proposing we go too?"

Tony turned to him, "No...but we could have fun."

Woo Hyuk smiled, "Very well then...let's start now."

\-----

Hee Jun sat in the hotel room, Kangta had reserved and chosen himself. It was as if Kangta wanted a honeymoon, the room was really nice. Normally Hee Jun would be excited to go to the beach for fun. Jaewon was in his mind, he felt as if he was cheating on him. He found it a bad idea to leave him, but what about Kangta? He didn't have any idea of how to make everything work out. Where he could have Jaewon. And Kangta wouldn't be angry, and seek revenge. He wanted to think of a plan but nothing came to mind.

He watched Kangta come back into the room, he walked over to Hee Jun. He pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Hee Jun looked at him, confused. Kangta kissed him. Hee Jun didn’t respond to the kiss, Kangta sat on him and sighed. Hee Jun looked at him, "What's wrong?"

Kangta looked down at him sadly. He knew something was up with Hee Jun and he knew how to fix the problem.


	6. Chapter 6

Hee Jun stood in the doorway, Kangta handed him his briefcase and another room key, "Go."

"What?" He looked at Kangta confused, "What's going on?"

"Hee Jun....you don't love me anymore."

"I don't?" Hee Jun thought he played off the whole loving thing well enough.

Kangta laughed, "Don't play stupid now. You like Jaewon...it's obvious. I mean you're not even aroused by seeing me naked. And you force yourself to kiss me and everything."

"Kangta it's not like that..."

"Yes it is. And you know I thought about it long and hard when you were with him for one whole night." He crossed his arms, "I never really loved you..."

"What?"

"I mean I did...but I never saw us as people who would stay with each other forever. I saw us as plain lovers nothing more..."

Hee Jun scratched his head, "I don't follow..."

"You are happier with Jaewon. I'm happier with being with other people."

"What? You still are? You came back to me though..."

"I felt bad for cheating on someone who actually loves me. It seems you didn't truly love me anyways."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Are you slow?" Kangta grinned at the confused look on Hee Jun's face, "I am, Hee Jun. Go be with Jaewon..."

"You're not angry?"

"I was...but after thinking about being free again. I really don't give a crap..." He laughed, "We work better as friends, Hee Jun. And if you ever have a need for a change...I'll be here."

Hee Jun was a bit disgusted with the last thing Kangta said. There was a wave of relief that hit him. He was free to be with Jaewon, without being confused and worried about who he'd hurt. He hugged Kangta, "I'm sorry for doing this to you..."

Kangta laughed, "It's fine...but stay here. I mean I paid good money for both rooms...so how about we get dinner later?"

Hee Jun pulled away, "Alright...see you tonight." He picked up his stuff and went to the other room Kangta had gotten. He wondered if Kangta planned to break it off on a trip. Did he think being on the beach wouldn't make Hee Jun angry? He went into his room that was as nice as the other room. He set his stuff down, and plopped down on the bed. He stared at the ceiling, "Jaewon...we can be together..."

\-----

Jaewon walked across the beach, lost. He had no clue if he was at the right place, there were many beaches and Tony just said they had gone to the beach. What was 'the beach'? He only had a backpack full of clothes and some essentials with him.He had arrived right when the sun was going down, which he watched in amazement.

He finally came across a fancy hotel that was on the beach. He frowned, "I can't afford this..." He sighed and walked to a curb by the hotel. He sat down and watched the waves crashing on the shore.

He heard laughing and looked in the direction it came from. He stood up right away seeing Kangta and some guy, "Kangta?"

Kangta stopped, "Jaewon?"

"What're you d--where's Hee Jun?" He looked at the man Kangta was with.

Kangta smiled, "In his room, I believe or he's drinking." He put his hands on Jaewon's shoulders, "You...take care of him."

Jaewon watched Kangta chase the man down the beach. He was confused, why wasn't he with Hee Jun? Did Kangta start cheating again? He went into the hotel and asked the front desk person what room Hee Jun was in. After a million questions as to why he wanted to see Hee Jun, the person finally told him.

He walked down the hallway, heart started beating faster, he was nervous. He knew what he had to do, he stood in front of the door. He took deep breaths, "You can do it Jaewon..."

Before he could knock the door opened. Hee Jun looked at him surprised, "J-Jaewon? Why are you here?"

"I came to tell you something."

"Okay...come in." He moved aside as Jaewon walked in. Hee Jun grinned to himself for a moment as he closed the door.

Hee Jun sat on the bed and looked at Jaewon, "What is it?"

"I love you, I always had." He gripped the bottom of his shirt, "And...I'm tired of running away from you. When you left me all alone at home I was upset. I wondered what I had done wrong..."

"Jaewon..."

"I don't know if you think the same way...but I love you. Because of that I'll wait for you. I'll even die waiting for you." He let out a deep sigh, finally saying what he had to say.

"Well...your wait is over." Hee Jun grabbed Jaewon's hands, "I'm here now."

"No...you have Ka-"

"We broke up. He knew that I loved you and he was annoyed by how I forced myself to love him."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought what I just said was clear." He pulled Jaewon into a hug, "I love you, Jaewon." He rubbed his back, "Kangta is probably getting some loving with some stranger."

"He is. I saw him outside with some guy. I thought he was cheating on you again..."

Hee Jun laughed, "Doesn't take him long to find someone." He pulled Jaewon away, "I have this room all to myself...and I don't like sleeping alone. Will you stay?"

Jaewon slid off his backpack and smiled, "Of course."

Hee Jun stood up, putting his hand against Jaewon's cheek, "There it is..."

"What?"

"Your smile...it's back." He closed in and kissed Jaewon lightly.

Jaewon pushed him away and took off his shirt. Hee Jun could see bandages covering Jaewon's body. He looked at him confused, Jaewon put his hand against his chest, "I won't hurt myself again...if you were still with Kangta I wouldn't. I knew it upset you that I hurt myself..."

Hee Jun set Jaewon on the bed, "Of course I was upset...hurting a beautiful body like yours." He kissed him a few times before stripping them both of clothes.

Jaewon stopped him, "I just got here..."

"Yea? And?" He noticed Jaewon's upset expression, he kissed him, "Sorry..."

He got off Jaewon and crawled around on the bed putting himself under the blankets. Jaewon sat and looked at him, "It's like all you like about me is my body..."

Hee Jun frowned and pulled Jaewon towards him, "Not true..." He put Jaewon under the blanket and hugged him, "Don't think like that...last night I finally realized what I felt for you."

"What do you mean?"

He held Jaewon close, "I'm not sure...but I love you." He kissed the man's forehead, "Tomorrow we'll have some fun alright?"

Jaewon kissed him, "Of course."

Hee Jun finally got the situation fixed to where both sides were happy. He had the one he truly loved. Kangta was free again, to do whatever he pleased with whoever. Tony and Woo Hyuk had their fun.

\-----

Hee Jun sat on the bed, Jaewon sat between his legs, resting his back against Hee Jun's chest. Hee Jun watched Jaewon, touch his chest, "They'll go away with time."

Jaewon nodded, "I know...they'll just be scars. Ugly scars..."

Hee Jun wrapped his arms around him, "No...they'll be beautiful, like the rest of you."

Jaewon smiled, "If you say so..."

He kissed Jaewon's neck, "I know..."

The scars were to remind Jaewon how much he truly loved Hee Jun.


	7. Alternate Ending

Hee Jun looked at him, "What's wrong?"

Kangta looked down at him sadly. He knew something was up with Hee Jun and he knew how to fix the problem. He got off of Hee Jun, "Let's go get some food."

"What?" He sat up confused, and ended up following him. He wasn't sure what Kangta's problem was. He also wasn't sure if he was angry or not.

\-----

Jaewon walked into the hotel after asking the locals where the fanciest hotel was. He knew Kangta reserved the hotel, and he knew Kangta would only get the best. He stood at the front desk, as the woman behind it ignored him as she talked on the phone. He looked around as he waited and saw people coming down the stairs, "Hee Jun?"

Hee Jun and Kangta came down and looked at Jaewon. Hee Jun was happy to see him but then again he wasn't since Kangta was there, "Jaewon...why are you here?"

"I need to talk to you, Hee Jun." He looked at Kangta, who glared at him.

Kangta linked arms with Hee Jun,"You can't speak with him...right?" He looked at the other man.

Hee Jun glanced at Kangta, "Why not?"

Kangta frowned, "This is our trip..." He looked at Jaewon, "Go home."

The woman behind the desk yelled at them to take their drama outside. So they did. Kangta held Hee Jun's hand, "Go home, Jaewon!"

"Why can't I talk to him?" Jaewon was confused.

“He's mine! I don't care if you like him or not. You had him for a night...now go home!"

Hee Jun was upset at how Kangta was reacting. He knew Kangta would be torn if he left him. But there was Jaewon, who he truly loved. He didn't know how Jaewon would react if he stayed with Kangta.

Jaewon sighed, "Then I'll just say it...I love you Hee Jun. I always have...and no matter what I'll wait for you."

Kangta laughed, "That's all? You're so stupid...Hee Jun loves me, not you."

Jaewon frowned, "I just...wanted you to know..."

Kangta shooed him away, "That was nice, now leave!"

He hung his head and walked away. He wanted to cry, Kangta would let Hee Jun respond. Kangta was an ass. Jaewon continued to walk away, wishing Hee Jun would run to him. He looked back to see Hee Jun just staring at him. He felt a tear go down his face, he started running.

Hee Jun watched Jaewon run away, "What was that, Kangta? Why'd you have to be rude to him?"

Kangta sighed, "He is trying to take you away from me." He hugged him, "I'm the one that loves you, Hee Jun. And I know you don't love him..."

Hee Jun wanted to push Kangta away and go after Jaewon. But if Kangta truly did love Hee Jun, he didn't want to look like the bad guy by leaving him and going to Jaewon. He was to just force himself to love Kangta...and then he'd forget his real love with Jaewon.

\-----

Night came and Jaewon spent his day on the beach crying. People walking by wondering what his problem was, no one asked though. He had his knees to his chest, and his face buried in his hands. He didn't want to cry if Hee Jun rejected him. It was Kangta that hurt him. Not letting Hee Jun talk and being rude.

Finally after hours of crying, and drifting off to sleep, he stood up. He started to walk, in search of a bus stop or something. When he turned around he saw Hee Jun, alone. His heart skipped a beat, "Hee Jun?"

Hee Jun looked around and walked over to Jaewon, "Hey..."

"Where's Kangta?"

"Sleeping." He frowned at the younger man, "Why are you here?"

"I had to tell you..." The tone Hee Jun used upset Jaewon.

"You know I'm with Kangta and you still came here? Why couldn't you wait?" He crossed his arms.

"I...don't know. I just had to...Hee Jun...I-"

"Shut up, Jaewon." Hee Jun shook his head, "I know you love me but...I'm afraid I don't love you."

"But last night we..you..."

"It was only to please you...make you stop hurting yourself. It was to fix you." He looked away at Jaewon's hurt expression.

"That's all? You had sex with me...to fix me?"

"I'm afraid so...I'm sorry for misleading you." He looked at him, "Don't bother waiting for me. I'm with Kangta...and I'll always be." He turned around to walk off.

"I love you." Tears came to Jaewon's eyes, "You're lying right? I mean..."

He looked back, "I'm not lying Jaewon. I guess you can say I only liked you for you body." He looked at his feet, "Go home, Jaewon." He walked away.

Jaewon started breathing heavier, "No...Hee Jun..." He scratched at his bandaged wrist, "I'll wait for you! Hee Jun!"

Hee Jun continued to walk away. He went into the hotel room to see Kangta was still asleep. He locked himself in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub. He let out a short sigh as the tears came down. His chest hurt. He stared at the floor as he cried. He had lied to Jaewon, he loved him and not just his body. He loved everything about him. Kangta's love held him back though.

_"And no matter what I'll wait for you."_ Would Jaewon really wait for Hee Jun? Even if it was weeks, months or even years? Hee Jun wanted to believe it...but somewhere in the back of his mind he didn't think it was true.

\-----Year Later-----

"Wake up, Hee Jun. We have to get going." Kangta threw a pillow at him.

Hee Jun sat up, "I'm up!" He walked into the bathroom where Kangta was. He hugged him from behind, "You smell nice."

Kangta smile, "Of course, I do." He turned around and kissed him, "Now get ready...we have to meet Tony and Woo Hyuk in ten minutes."

Hee Jun kissed Kangta again before letting him go. He got dressed and fixed his hair. They then left and arrived at Woo Hyuk and Tony's new house. They were throwing a housewarming party, or that's what they called it. They just wanted to have a party.

Tony let them both in, Kangta ran off when he saw a few people he hadn't seen in a while. Hee Jun was helping himself to some food when he noticed Jaewon was there. He was sitting alone in the living room, Hee Jun looked at where Kangta was. Kangta was preoccupied with his friends. Hee Jun finished what he was eating and sat on the couch near Jaewon, "Long time no see."

Jaewon sat there with his hands in his lap, he wore a long sleeved tee shirt, which Hee Jun guess he was hiding old scars from a year ago. Jaewon looked at him, "Hey."

Hee Jun smiled a little, "How have you been?"

Jaewon looked down at his hands, "Good. And you?"

"I'm doing great." He stared at Jaewon, "I mean...we moved to a new place. Our careers are doing well."

Jaewon nodded, "Sounds pretty great to me."

"You still live in that small apartment?"

Jaewon sighed, "Yep. I like it though...easy to keep clean."

Hee Jun heard Kangta calling for him. He smiled at Jaewon, "Kangta wants me. I'll talk to you later."

Jaewon looked at him and put on a fake smile, "Alright."

Hee Jun walked over to Kangta, he watched Jaewon from afar. He saw Jaewon get up and make his way to the bathroom. Hee Jun frowned a little and started to talk with whoever Kangta wanted him to talk to.

After a few minutes, Jaewon came back out to the living room. He sat himself down on the couch alone again. He hadn't spoken with anyone for the past year, but an unexpected phone call from Tony made him happy. He trashed his apartment, holes in the wall, shattered pictures and mirrors. It was like a bomb hit his place. He hated it all, he felt hopeless without Hee Jun. He burned all his pictures, erasing memories before his eyes. He only kept one picture, the one of him and Hee Jun together, smiling happily. It was his favorite, he burnt his hand trying to save it, he didn't mean to throw that one into the fire.

He kept to his word and waited for Hee Jun. No calls. No running into each other. Nothing. It hurt him to see Hee Jun was actually was happy with Kangta. He felt betrayed almost. He wore a long sleeve tee shirt and the whole night he watched it slowly get stained from blood off the cut on his wrist. He promised he would never hurt himself because of Hee Jun. But Hee Jun was happy without Jaewon...so he broke the promise after a year.

He said his goodbyes to everyone who even realized he was there. Once it came to him to say goodbye to Hee Jun he tensed up, "Bye Hee Jun."

Hee Jun smiled a little, "Bye Jaewon. Nice seeing you again..." He noticed blood stains on Jaewon's sleeves, for the tee shirt was a lighter color. It broke his heart.

Jaewon frowned, and noticed Kangta was busy "Hee Jun..."

"What, Jaewon?"

He took a deep breath, "I'm still waiting..."

"What?" Hee Jun was shocked, he thought Jaewon forgotten all about it.

"I told you before...no matter what I'll always wait for you." He smiled, "And I still am." He didn't want to hear Hee Jun's response, so he walked away.

Hee Jun watched walk away, shocked. Memories of the nights he spent with Jaewon, flashed before him. The feeling of Jaewon's body and the feelings he had for him also came back. The memories and feelings he had pushed aside so he could love Kangta again. "Shit..." After a year of putting on a front and pretending to love Kangta. It was all destroyed by Jaewon...the one he truly loved.


End file.
